Hello people of my blog:)
I haven't posted in about 6 months ~ Sorry! But today is a special day! I have been wanting to write this post for YEARS. I have imagined it and gone through it so many times in my head, it's something that I have never really explained to anyone or said out loud.
Basically, I like to think I grew up and went through my teenage years around 9-12, that was the time I grew the most, physically and mentally. I was a very early developer, I had acne as you all know and while everyone else in my year at primary school (yes, primary) was small, slim, cute etc etc... I felt tall and fat. I wasn't fat though, and now I'm one of the smaller ones. But I felt it, and that was much, much worse.
It's hard to admit, but I went through a time of self-loathing. I hated myself, and felt so jealous so easily. I was outgoing, pretty and happy when I was younger, and most of my friends still were, except me. I was maturing so quickly. I often took out my hatred and jealousy by putting others down, mostly in my head though, to feel better about myself and tougher. At the time, I was also obsessed with popularity. I wanted to be loved by everyone and get people's attention. This hateful spiral got be a bit of a reputation in people's heads, I'm not saying everyone thought I was horrible, but it was like if I had said something that could have gone either way, they would take it the wrong way. Because of this, something happened that really did hurt me. Without saying much, everyone I knew was hating and blaming me for something I hadn't done. At the time, I felt so lonely. I wanted to move schools, but I told myself not to, it was like giving up. Now, looking back, I realize how lucky I really was. I was smart and talented. But I hated almost everyone for what happened, for the blame and hatred, which I bet even now, some people who haven't heard of me since then still believe.
Now, I can forgive those people. I can see why they would blame me - it was easy. Most of them thought what they were doing was right, that they were putting down some bully and not someone who was innocent and being bullied themselves. I would probably do the same.
I also forgive the people - one in particular - who blamed me. There's no way on earth they could have seen what it would have been like for me. They believed this and they were doing what they thought was right too.
After that, I tried to recover, but still felt so lonely. I ended up leaving my friendship group, made up of me and two other girls. One of those girls is a good friend of mine today, who I speak to all of the time. She was also one of the people who blamed me for a separate incident, which speaking honestly, wasn't my entire fault. I didn't say what she thought I had said, but I had encouraged it, and I apologized a little excessively for at the time. That phone call I got from her just totally breaks my heart to think of, when she told me she wouldn't be walking to school with me anymore because of what she thought I had said.
I made it through to the end of primary school and into high school, feeling bored, hated and exhausted. I see now that I didn't have it that bad at all, it could have been a million times worse, but it felt like hell to me. I felt so sorry for myself, I would be ashamed feeling like that nowadays.
I lost all confidence through those years. I was so sure of myself as a kid. I was also a bit of a sheep. Someone made fun of me for wearing a skirt, so I switched to trackies for about two years. I was so self-conscious, I thought the only way for people to like me was to be a complete and utter sheep - gossiping, wearing trousers (strange trend), when really I wanted to be a total geek/kiss up and wear dresses and skirts all of the time.
I also ate a lot of sweets and crisps, gaining weight I'm still trying to get rid of now.
All in all, it wasn't a good time. Many people suffer this through their teenage years - so I like to think those were mine, and now I'm on my way to being an adult.
Now you might be thinking, why? If you were like this only a few years ago, why do you keep saying "Now I would feel..." and "Thinking back...". Well the answer is - Youtube.
Youtube totally and completely changed my life.
One day I opened up youtube, about 3 or so years ago. The video on the homepage was called 'Cooking with charlie' uploaded by charlieissocoollike. I looked at all of the likes, views, comments. When I saw him, I thought he wasn't that good looking, he was a bit of a geek with a strange English accent. But, he had all of these people saying how they loved him and thought he was cute and how funny he was.
After Charlie, I watched bubzbeauty. Even now, I cannot explain how much she changed me. I can't explain how she made me love myself, how she made me realize I could be different from everyone else, how I didn't have to care what people thought to be liked. Her video, "What makes me beautiful", brings tears to my eyes now even just thinking about it. I remember watching it and just crying my eyes out. I suddenly saw what I'd been doing wrong all those years. She taught me to be everything I value so much today.
That's why I would tell people to watch youtube, in case they were going through the same things as me. I would feel genuinely offended when people didn't like bubz, because she was like my sister and my idol in one. It sounds cliche, but she absolutely saved me.
People made fun of me, much more than they had before. But the difference was - I didn't care. I didn't care at all. Bubz taught me how those people thought, how they could be jealous, or the same I used to feel - hating myself. Bubz taught me to forgive these people and forget them. But watching that bubz video wasn't like a little *click* of a switch that changed my life forever. No, watching that video was the door to a journey.
Since then, all I've been doing is improving myself. Before I had aspirations for careers only. Now, I have aspirations for my personality and style too. Things that matter, even more than just a job, happiness, security in your own mind. It brought out my incredibly ambitious, creative, hard-working, competitive side. Before I just got by in school, but now I put in extra work and set my own goals, like learning Japanese, improving my fitness, learning piano at home etc. It's not all just for getting into uni anymore , I honestly have a love for achieving and working really hard to get places.
Straight after watching the bubz video, my first goal was to let go and become my own person. No more following trends - I wanted my own style. I soon realized that it didn't matter what clothes I wore, my personality will always make the biggest impact. But, I have discovered in more recent times that I can wear different clothes and hair for confidence, instead of just looking pretty. Noticing this helped me to understand the 'sluts' who wear tight and/or short clothing and tops. I realized that although those girls weren't really dressing appropriately, that those clothes gave them confidence. Maybe the confidence they need, just like I do. My confidence comes from wearing my own style of clothes, their comes from wearing cropped tops and tight skirts. I don't necessarily approve, but I can at least understand them, and that was a big step for me.
Another big change that came was my outlook. I realized - a lot of it came from watching animes and Korean dramas actually (mostly because the typical Asian way of life is just totally respectful and generally much better than us brits in my opinion) - that even simple things, like going to school, having the opportunity to do well, having friends, nice clothes, getting the bus in the morning - stupid little things - really made such a difference. Suddenly I appreciated every tiny little thing, I saw the good in every situation even the really bad ones. Everything was a learning experience on my journey.
Maybe one of the biggest changes of all was my friends. Leaving that group behind was hard, but it was so worth it. I felt hated in that group, I felt unhappy. Bubz told me to surround myself with people that are positive, that make me happy, that don't argue or talk about me behind my back. I wasn't sure how to go about this. I just thought that no teenage girls like that existed, because of my experiences in the past. But they do.
It sounds so sappy... but I met my best friend when I was most in need. I haven't ever told her how important she was to me, and still is. It sounds so cliche. I know. I had no clue at the time she would become that to me. She said she wanted to be my friend the day I smiled at her in the dinner hall, something bubz had told me to do. Smile at strangers, you might just change their day. But no - it backfired and changed mine.
Now I have a group of friends I am so comfortable in. We are all alike, we came from different groups. Remember that friend I mentioned I still talk to? She isn't in this group, but it's hard to explain, she's in like another group who sit in the same room as us at lunch times and we talk between the groups a lot. My group consists of 5 girls, who wouldn't hurt a fly. Just seeing them in the morning brightens my day, no matter how scared I am, no matter how anxious I feel. Now and again I sink back into that mindset of feeling lonely and hopeless, but it disappears as soon as I spend 5 minutes with them.
I see how lucky I am now. I have everything I could ever wish for in my wildest dreams. I couldn't be much happier, and I will continue to be happy as long as I am on this journey and long after I feel like I've completed it, whether that be 1, 5, 10 or 50 years to come, I believe eventually I will be 100% happy with myself. Right now, I am working on thinking about what I say before I speak (I have been a little rash recently), and when I first started all this, I took a pact to never gossip about people. I'm not saying I've been gossiping as such, but I have been a little on the mean side without even realizing it, that I will try to stop immediately. I'm also working on my fitness with blogilates videos, my style by adding TONS of cute Summer skirts and dresses to my wardrobe - which I am NO LONGER AFRAID TO WEAR:)
Overall, I cannot thank bubz, my friends and my supportive family for
A) Generally kicking my backside, never again will I feel sorry for myself or pity myself
B) Changing my perspective - No sad living-in-poverty-kid-adverts would equal what you have all done
C) Putting up with me when I was a big downer:(
Nowadays, the only thing I feel angry about really is when people don't appreciate things like school or their friends, the things I wouldn't have appreciated back then. I don't have myself for it though, without it I would have grown up as any other teenager, been totally normal, made my way through school, get myself some boring job, married, kids, dead. But no! Not now! The way I see it - You only have ONE LIFE. one. That is it. If you do not take the bull by the horns now, you don't grasp every opportunity, see every sight, go on every trip, stick your hand up for every question - You are not living fully. And, when you are old and grey with little life left in you, all those times when you were 16 saying 'No because I cant be bothered', all the times you skived, all the times you gossiped or cried over what someone said to you will be totally meaningless. All you will think about are the good times. The strange days that were so random, like you wake up at 6am and decide to start a daily fitness routine (me) and end up loving it, or the days you get taken out of class and told you're helping out at a transition day for P7s in PE and get put up for a saltire award for it (me), or maybe the day you got lost for 9 hours on a mountain at Duke of Edinburgh because you can't follow bearings (my group)... I will remember all that.
What about you? What will you think of? What random crazy days will you have? What tiny little experiences that end up changing your life, like a 9 minute youtube video, or a smile from someone in the dinner hall will you experience? It could happen tomorrow... or next week... or next month, but I can assure you, if you absolutely go for life like I have, then you will experience your fair share of memories.
Look forward to it.:)
Until next time! ~